Fear First, Then Anger
Dr. Gunther Reiss is a lecturer at the Loma Linda University School of Medicine and someone that I've had the great privilege of hearing speak. He specializes in addiction recovery and anger management. Gunther's own definition of anger is this...
"Anger is a
powerful emotional drive to overcome or defeat a real or perceived threat or
enemy."
That made a lot of sense to me when I heard it. Anger is illicit by our inherent "fight
or flight" syndrome that we experience in our bodies when we are
threatened. Anger is a secondary
emotion. There is ALWAYS, ALWAYS another
emotion behind anger, driving it. In
most cases, not all, but most...anger is driven by fear. "Show me an angry person and I'll show
you a person that's afraid," Dr. Reiss says often.
What makes us angry?
Do other people, situations or outside forces make us angry? I used to
think so.
"You're MAKING ME angry!"
"You're DRIVING ME crazy!"
"You're PISSING ME OFF!"
Really? Can another
person or situation truly “MAKE” me angry?
Dr. Reiss has been so effective in helping me understand
that other people, situations or outside forces DON'T in fact make me angry - I DO. I make
myself angry through my own perception and self-talk about a given situation. In effect, I “allow” someone or something to
make me angry by giving it power in my mind and heart.
Let me explain. Let's
say a driver on the road speeds up behind me, passes me quickly and unsafely
and then cuts sharply in front of me and then hits his brakes as I'm driving
peacefully down the freeway on the way to work, you know – a sunny day...listening
to praise music....worshipping God…UNDER the speed limit…obeying the law…when
all of a sudden – BAM! This jerk speeds
up behind us, passes, cuts us off and then slams on his brakes! We've all been in situations like this. It draws up all kinds of wicked feelings and
thoughts. What goes off in our minds in
these situations? What do we think...or
maybe worse, what do we say or do? OK,
vulnerability alert: Here's some of the
things I've thought to myself...
- "What an @ssho!e!"
- "Jacka$$!"
- "Aaaaaaarggggghhhhh! Where’d that guy get his license? K-mart? (no offense to K-mart intended)"
Or worse...what I'd LIKE to do: run them off the road, throw
something out of my car at them, pass them back and then slow down...like
WAYYYY down...to 5 mph...and then stop completely.
"Oops. Sorry 'bout that there buddy."
And if you're reacting in horror because you would NEVER do
or think things like this...well...you’re reading the wrong blog.
Did the person that cut me off MAKE ME ANGRY? Or was it my own thoughts about the event that made me angry? The problem is, most of us just react, get
angry, steam about it for a while, and then move on with life. Or worse, we stuff it down in our hearts and
subconsciously steam about it all day long, letting it affect our entire
day. We rarely take the time to go
deeper and find out what's really behind the anger.
If someone asked me, "Why are you so angry?" in a
situation like this, I could answer superficially
and say something like, "that A-hole cut me off! He was driving like a maniac!" It's someone else’ fault. I take NO responsibility. And on the surface, in our culture, that's
pretty acceptable by everyone, so it's SAFE. It’s a form of deflection and
self-protection.
Here's what's NOT SO SAFE - when I ask myself, "What is
it that I’m AFRAID of?"
This is where the onion layers begin to get peeled back. It is vulnerability to the MAX. A fearless look into my own heart...an often
terrifying, dark place to look. If I go
REALLY deep, here are the typical answers to that question in the scenario I've
painted – “What AM I really afraid of?”
o
I'm afraid
of wrecking my car and damaging it (maybe because it’s an idol in my life?)
o
I'm afraid
of the money I might have to pay to get it fixed.
o
I'm afraid
of wrecking the car and getting hurt or hurting someone else.
o
I'm afraid
of being late for work and my boss giving me the stink eye.
o
I'm afraid
of looking like I'm not in control.
o
I'm afraid
of having to admit to myself that I'm not as important as I thought because if
I WAS, that guy would have had more respect for me on the road.
o
I'm afraid
of not being accepted because if I truly WAS accepted by others, that person
would not have cut me off.
o
I'm afraid
of not being loved.
Brene’ Brown, clinical researcher and author of “Daring
Greatly” defines shame as “the fear of disconnection”. I agree with her when she says that we are
all hard-wired for connection with other human beings. To be cut off from that would be the
loneliest, forsaken place to have to be.
For me, and I suspect for many others, shame (our fear of disconnection or not being loved) is really what
is at the root of many or even MOST of our fears.
So then that person really DIDN'T make me angry. The TRUTH is that I made myself angry by allowing my fears to impact my
heart. These are HEART issues at the
very core of why I was angry. Sure the
first few about wrecking the car had to do with the physical, but the other
fears are emotional, spiritual and they are usually there at the core of what
is driving me to be angry.
So if the TRUTH is that I made myself angry, then the reality
is that I am believing a LIE somewhere in this process. I think, in fact, I’m believing many lies. And when I say “believing” these lies, I mean
that I am allowing myself to actually LIVE differently because of these beliefs
– putting my faith in these lies into action so to speak.
- I’m believing the lie that the person driving the car is the one that MADE me angry.
- I’m believing the lie that I will wreck my car and damage it. (Did I? Nope.
- I’m believing the lie that I would have to pay to get it fixed.
- I’m believing the lie that I will get hurt or hurt someone else.
- I’m believing the lie that I will be late for work and get the stink eye from my boss. (If I’m late, it’s not because the guy cut me off, it’s because I didn’t get out of the house early enough)
- I’m believing the lie that I look like I’m not in control. (Do I really care THAT much about the way I look to others? If so, that’s a whole other problem)
- I’m believing the lie that I’m not important. (That’s not true because I know I’m important to God, so much that he would give his own Son for me. I’m also important to my wife, my children, my own parents and my friends)
- I’m believing the lie that I’m not accepted. (Same as the one above).
- I’m believing the lie that I’m not loved.
“You were taught, with regard to your former
way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful
desires; to be made new in the attitude of your
minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.
Therefore each of you must put off falsehood
and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body. ‘In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down
while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a
foothold.”
- Ephesians
4:22-27
Paul calls these lies “deceitful desires”. Think about it. Is it wrong for me to desire to be on time
for work or to be important or to be accepted or loved? Of course not! Those are legitimate, God-given desires. The problem is in how I am THINKING about
these desires. Paul says that we should
“be made new in the attitude of our minds.”
What he’s talking about here has to do with the way we think about our
desires. He acknowledges that we have
these desires, but wants us to go through a sifting process to determine what
is true and what is false about them. He
tells us to “put off falsehood” and to “speak truthfully to your neighbor”,
encouraging us to stop lying to ourselves and others. Isn’t it ironic how this passage ends up
talking about ANGER? Paul knows that
when we believe falsely in regards to our desires, the result is anger and that
we need to deal with it correctly by digging down deep in our hearts and
replacing those lies with truth.
So if I then ask myself, what is the TRUTH when I’m angry
like this, I find and believe answers like this:
·
I was not late for work
·
I did not wreck the car or get hurt or hurt
someone else.
·
I am important.
·
I am accepted.
·
I am loved.
Knowing and believing these kinds of truths makes it a lot
easier to get over that guy cutting me off so I can move on through my day and
accomplish what God has in store for me – his good, pleasing and perfect will.
“The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom...”
- Proverbs
1:7
So many of my own troubles seem to come from misplaced or
disordered fear. When God tells us to “fear
him”, I don’t for a minute believe he wants us to walk around literally afraid
that he is going to zap us with a bolt of lightning if we step out of
line. God, as he has revealed himself in
his word and in his creation, is infinitely GOOD. He is immeasurably loving, kind and
compassionate. His personhood is summed
up in his own son, Jesus. John Eldredge
has said, and I’m paraphrasing, “if you want to know what God looks like, look
at Jesus – that’s what God is like.”
That’s what God is getting at in Proverbs 1:7. He wants us to properly order our fear and
place our greatest fear IN HIM. But here’s
the good news: God knows that he is safe
to be feared because he is good, loving, gentle, compassionate and full of
grace. His perfect love casts out fear.
“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do
with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.”
“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do
with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.”
- I John 4:18
If my fears are out of order, my life is fairly miserable. If
I am more afraid of the guy cutting me off (and all of the other fears that
event reveals in my heart) than I am of my loving, compassionate, gentle and
graceful God, I am choosing self. I am
being unwise. I am allowing my fears to
be out of order, choosing to believe a lie and to let that lie affect me
deeply. When I do this, I picture myself
picking up my own torch, lighting it and heading off on my own, out into the
darkness.
“Who among you
fears the Lord and obeys the word of his servant? Let him who walks in the dark who has no
light trust in the name of the Lord and rely on his God. But now, all you who light fires and provide
yourselves with flaming torches, go walk in the light of your fires and of the
torches you have set ablaze. This is what
you shall receive from my hand: You will
lie down in torment.”
- Isaiah
50: 10-11
Now, when I'm experiencing anger. I do my best to be brave and ask myself, "What is it that I"m really afraid of right now?" Once I get to that answer, I take it to the Lord in prayer and ask him, not that he'd take my fear away or remove me from the situation, but for the courage to overcome it. This is all that God asks of me in these times. He is good. He hears me. I trust him.
"God, give me courage. Make me strong and courageous. Help me to put my fears in the proper order, fearing you only, knowing that your perfect love is safe, good, and eternal."
"God, give me courage. Make me strong and courageous. Help me to put my fears in the proper order, fearing you only, knowing that your perfect love is safe, good, and eternal."
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